If you were online back in the ’80s and ear­ly ’90s, you might remem­ber a com­mon gim­mick on BBS and/or Usenet; viz. the Canon­i­cal List of _____________ (den­tist jokes, Kirk vs. Picard, insults, and so on).

I don’t remem­ber when or where I first saw a list of Veni, Vidi, Vici jokes: Basi­cal­ly, it starts with Cae­sar’s time­less quote: Veni Vidi Vici (I came, I saw, I con­quered) minus Vici: I came, I saw, (fun­ny replace­ment start­ing with the let­ter V). I’ve been col­lect­ing them for about 30 years now and I add new ones when­ev­er I run across one.

So here is my canon­i­cal list of Veni, vidi _________________ jokes.

• Veni, vidi vici: I came, I saw, I con­quered.
• Veni vidi VISA: I came, I saw, I bought it.
• Veni vidi ver­mi­cel­li: I came, I saw, I had the spaghet­ti spe­cial.
• Veni vidi van­i­ty: I came, I saw, I bet you think this song is about you.
• Veni vidi Vin­cent Vega: I came, I saw, I acci­den­tal­ly shot Mar­vin.
• Veni vidi ven­ti: I came, I saw, I ordered an iced half-caff ristret­to four-pump sug­ar-free hazel­nut dolce soy skin­ny lat­te.
• Veni vidi Vigo­da: I came, I saw, hey Tom: Can you get me off the hook? For old times’ sake?
• Veni vidi vasec­to­my: I came, I saw, I left the gene pool.
• Veni vidi voce: I came, I saw, I would­n’t shut up.
• Veni vidi vul­ture: I came, I saw, I feast­ed on its rot­ting corpse.
• Veni vidi Vir­ginia: I came, I saw, I mar­ried my cousin.
• Veni vidi Venus: I came, I saw, I’m your fire; your desire!
• Veni vidi VOIP: I came, I—what? No, you’re cut­ting out. No, I can’t hear you. No, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
• Veni vidi Vin Diesel: I came, I saw, I drove away at 196mph for no par­tic­u­lar rea­son.
• Veni vidi Vic­tro­la: I came, I saw, I lis­tened to some scratchy, tin­ny music.
• Veni vidi voodoo: I came, I saw, I cursed it and its whole fam­i­ly for gen­er­a­tions to come.
• Veni vidi vod­ka: I came, I saw, I woke up a week lat­er in Guatemala in a bath­tub full of ice and miss­ing a kid­ney.
• Veni vidi vichys­soise: I came, I saw, the soup was cold.
• Veni vidi valet: I came, I saw, I parked.
• Veni, vidi, VD: I saw, I came, I got a bunch of warts.
• Veni vidi Val­hal­la: I came, I saw, I drank beer for­ev­er and ever.
• Veni, vidi, Vel­cro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
• Veni, vidi, veni­son: I came, I saw, I shot Bambi’s moth­er.
• Veni vidi Voltron: I came, I saw, I fold­ed up into a truck while some­how not pla­gia­riz­ing Trans­form­ers.
• Veni vidi Volde­mort: I came, I saw, I—what? NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM KILLED NAGINI?!
• Veni vidi Veloci­rap­tor: I came, I saw, I can turn door­knobs!
• Veni vidi vis­cous: I came, I saw, I got all slimy.
• Veni vidi vajaz­zle: I came, I saw, I have more dis­pos­able income than com­mon sense.
• Veni vidi vino: I came, I saw, I ate his liv­er with some fava beans and a nice Chi­anti.
• Veni vidi vagi­na: I came, I saw, I don’t know where the G Spot is either.
• Veni vidi Valvo­line: I came, I saw, I changed my oil.
• Veni vidi Vat­i­can: I came, I saw, in nomine Patris et Fil­ii et Spir­i­tus Sanc­ti.
• Veni vidi Val­trex: I came, I saw, I still have her­pes.
• Veni vidi Volk­swa­gen: I came, I saw, I’m going to San Fran­cis­co with flow­ers in my hair.
• Veni vidi Via­gra: I came, I saw, I called my doc­tor after four hours.
• Veni vidi vamanos: I came, I saw, I left.
• Veni vidi Vad­er: I came, I saw, I am your father.
• Veni vidi Da Vin­ci: I came, I saw, I paint­ed the Mona Lisa.
• Veni vidi Vin­cent Price: I came, I saw, I was scaaaaary.
• Veni vidi Vase­line: I came, I saw, I got all greasy.
• Veni vidi VIP: I came, I saw, they rolled out a red car­pet.
• Veni, vidi, vac­u­um: I came, I saw, it sucked.
• Veni vidi vape: I came, I saw, I inhaled.
• Veni vidi viper: I came, I saw, it bit me.
• Veni vidi vivi­sect: — I came, I saw, I cut it up and stud­ied it.
• Veni vidi vol­ume: I came, I saw, this one goes to eleven!
• Veni vidi ver­ti­go: I came, I saw, I’m dizzy.
• Veni vidi Voorhees: I came, I saw, I slaugh­tered a bunch of teenagers.
• Veni vidi ven­om: I came, I saw, you have 15 min­utes to live.
• Veni vidi Vicks: I came, I saw, I got the best sleep I ever got with a cold.
• Veni vidi Viking: I came, I saw, I pil­laged.
• Veni vidi vam­pire: I came, I saw, for the thou­sandth time no, I DON’T SPARKLE!
• Veni vidi vix­en: I came, I saw, you’ve got to be mine, all mine.
• Veni vidi VJ: I came, I saw, I want my MTV.
• Veni vidi vacan­cy: I came, I saw, I got a room.
• Veni vidi Van Dyke: I came, I saw, I grew a beard.
• Veni vidi ves­pers: I came, I saw, I said my prayers.
• Veni vidi Valentine’s: I came, I saw, choco­lates again?
• Veni vidi Valkyrie: I came, I saw, I love the smell of napalm in the morn­ing.
• Veni vidi vengeance: I came, I saw, for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.
• Veni vidi ver­mouth: I came, I saw, no; I said a DRY mar­ti­ni.
• Veni vidi vom­it: I came, I saw, I horked.
• Veni vidi voyeur: I came, I saw, but they didn’t see me!
• Veni vidi vine: I came, I saw, watch out for that tree!
• Veni vidi vol­cano: I came, I saw, the floor is made of lava.
• Veni vidi Vague­book­ing: I came, I saw, they did it to me again and I’m won­der­ing if this is all worth it.
• Veni vidi vogue: I came, I saw, I struck a pose.
• Veni vidi vict­uals: I came, I saw, hey Gram­paw! What’s for sup­per?
• Veni vidi vocab­u­lary: I came, I saw, I use my tongue purtier’n a 20-dol­lar whore!
• Veni vidi veg­gies: I came, I saw, the dog’s fart­ing because I gave him all my broc­coli.
• Veni vidi votive: I came, I saw, men can live as broth­ers but you can’t light a can­dle in the rain, you stu­pid hip­pies!
• Veni vidi ver­min: I came, I saw, we need some mouse­traps.
• Veni vidi vinyl: I came, I saw, hands off the radio, dude: I lis­ten to noth­ing but AOR.
• Veni vidi vir­gin: I came, I saw, here are 10 rules for dat­ing my daugh­ter.
• Veni vidi vari­able: I came, I saw, make up your frig­gin’ mind already!
• Veni vidi vow­el: I came, I saw, would you like to buy an O? Cir­cu­lar and sweet! Looks just like a dough­nut: Good enough to eat!
• Veni vidi vend: I came, I saw, my chips are stuck!
• Veni vidi veldt: I came, I saw, I miss the rains down in Africa.
• Veni vidi vast: I came, I saw, it was yuu­u­u­uge.
• Veni vidi volt­age: I came, I saw, I struck twice in the same place.
• Veni vidi vole: I came, I saw, no one’s ever heard of me unless they’re Mon­ty Python fans.
• Veni vidi vic­tim: I came, I saw, stop hit­ting your­self! Stop hit­ting your­self!
• Veni vidi vio­let: I came, I saw you some­where between 380 and 450 nanome­ters.
• Veni vidi vio­lence: I came, I saw, stop resist­ing!
• Veni vidi vil­i­fy: I came I saw, that’s just the sort of blink­ered Philis­tine pig igno­rance I’ve come to expect from you non-cre­ative garbage. You sit there on your loathsome,spotty behinds squeez­ing black­heads, not car­ing a tin­ker’s cuss for the strug­gling artist!
• Ven vidi vitu­per­a­tion: I came, I saw, I will rain down an ungod­ly f**king firestorm upon you! You’re gonna have to call the f**king Unit­ed Nations and get a f**king bind­ing res­o­lu­tion to keep me from fu**ing destroy­ing you. I’m talk­ing scorched earth, motherf**ker! I will mas­sacre you! I WILL F**K YOU UP!