Category: Funny Stuff

1. As Agent Cedric fights the Ger­man sol­dier atop the train, the Ger­man sol­dier demol­ish­es a bridge as the train pass­es under­neath.
2. A sol­dier parks a motor­cy­cle, then ties its reins to a rail like it’s a horse.
3. The sol­dier takes off his hel­met and the chin strap stays attached to his face.
4. When Gen. Streck opens the telegram, the let­ter­head says “East Ger­many: Bet­ter Gov­ern­ment Through Intim­i­da­tion.”
5. The “Find Him and Kill Him” rub­ber stamp.
6. Major Crum­pler says Leonard Bern­stein had to can­cel his appear­ance at the cul­tur­al fes­ti­val.[1]
7. Teenagers run­ning on the beach car­ry­ing surf­boards and shot­guns.
8. A very brief glimpse of a dog pulling a young girl’s swim­suit down that looks like the Cop­per­tone sun­tan lotion logo.
9. Girls on the beach throw­ing clay pigeons for the surfers—not from behind them, but in front of them and in the line of fire.

   

10. A surfer shoots a beach umbrel­la between two sun­bathers.
11. A surfer shoots down a man on a hang glid­er.
12. A girl sits up on the beach, leav­ing holes in the sand where her breasts were.
13. A surfer shoots down a fight­er plane.
14. The Top 40 tracks list has three Nick Rivers songs (“Skeetin’ U.S.A,” “Skeet City,” and “Your Skeetin’ Heart”), along with sev­er­al more nonex­is­tent songs, includ­ing “Beige Tones” by Pro­col Harum, “Enough Already!” by The Rolling Stones, “Boy Is She Great” by Aretha Franklin, and “Theme From the Nose,” by Bar­bra Streisand.
15. A surfer shoots off the top of a palm tree.
16. Mag­a­zine cov­ers and head­lines include U.S. News & World Report (“Will Nick Rivers Take Over Amer­i­ca?”), and Guns & Bul­lets (“My Daugh­ter Is Dead, But So Is THE BURGLER”).
17. In the crowd of surfers run­ning on the beach there’s an elder­ly woman in a blue dress.
18. Madi­son Square Garden’s mar­quee says:

    NICK RIVERS
    ALSO
    STEVIE WONDER
    LINDA RONSTADT
    AND TIME PERMITTING
    FRANK SINATRA

19. News­pa­per head­lines: “Rivers to Play East Ger­many Fes­ti­val,” “Sci­en­tists Pro­long Orgasm To Dou­ble Fig­ures” and “Mete­orite Lands Near Baby.”
20. The land­scape Nick’s paint­ing from the train is blurred.
21. Martin’s news­pa­per: The Dai­ly Oppres­sor, with a jack­boot logo.
22. The Dai­ly Oppres­sor’s top head­line: “Die Fes­ta­latin Cul­turen Eine Big Dealen.”
23. The Ger­man lan­guage tape phras­es: “A pen;[2] a table; the pen is on the table; there is sauer­kraut in my leder­ho­sen; I want a Schnau­zer with my Wiener Schnitzel.”
24. Nick assures Mar­tin he’ll be a good cul­tur­al ambas­sador, and that he knows how to say, “Is your daugh­ter 18?” in Ger­man.
25. When the sol­diers and dogs cor­ner a man on the train plat­form, one of the dogs is a Mal­tese, not a Ger­man Shep­herd.
26. Right after the man is shot, it’s revealed that the sus­pi­cious pack­age he was car­ry­ing was just dog bis­cuits.
27. Nick tells Von Horst he put Von Horst’s name on the Mont­gomery Ward mail­ing list, which appar­ent­ly is a dread­ful insult or some­thing.
28. A sol­dier slams the com­part­ment door hard enough to shat­ter the glass.
29. When the train plat­form pass­es by the win­dow it’s because the plat­form is mov­ing, not the train.
30. When the train starts mov­ing, Mar­tin sees a tree mov­ing along with the train; a com­muter runs up behind the tree and jumps on it.
31. The map scene shows the train trav­el­ing from France to East Ger­many and stop­ping in Berlin; then a car leav­ing the train sta­tion, stop­ping at lights while oth­er cars go by; then the map turns into a Pac-Man game.
32. The East Ger­man Women’s Olympics team:

1. 1. 33. The code phras­es for Agent Cedric and the Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor:
          Agent Cedric: “Do you know any good white bas­ket­ball play­ers?”
          Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor: “There are no good white bas­ket­ball play­ers.”
      34. Agent Cedric has to pre­tend he’s look­ing at the Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor’s prac­ti­cal jokes: A fake flower sprays his face with ink; an explod­ing cig­ar blows up in his face; and a can of whipped cream blows up in his face.
      35. Agent Cedric is ordered to meet The Torch at the Howard Johnson’s on the cor­ner of Der Fuehrer Strasse and Goebbels Platzen.
      36. Agent Cedric (bend­ing down to scoop some­thing off the side­walk): “Wait: You dropped your pho­ny dog poo.”
          Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor: “What pho­ny dog poo?”
      37. The East Ger­man nation­al anthem:
          

          Hail, hail, East Ger­many
          Land of fruit and grape.
          Land where you’ll regret
          Any try to escape.
          No mat­ter if you take a run­ning jump or tun­nel under the wall,
          For­get it, the guards will kill you, if the elec­tri­fied fence doesn’t first.

      38. Agent Cedric’s taxi is smashed into a cube with Cedric inside, a la the James Bond movie Goldfin­ger.
      39. Nick has din­ner at Café Gey Schlüf­fen, in the Hotel Gey Schlüf­fen.
      40. Nick sticks his gum to the under­side of a waiter’s tray.
      41. When the restau­rant pro­vides Nick with a suit and tie, they strip him down to his under­wear in a foy­er in full view of every­one else.
      42. Nick’s manager’s voice is heard, echo­ing, as Nick reads his note; it turns out he’s sit­ting next to Nick speak­ing through a mega­phone.
      43. Mar­tin orders the ’84 Rip­ple Blanc for Nick (the movie was released in 1984, so ’84 Rip­ple Blanc would be mighty nasty).
      44. More code phras­es:
          Hillary: “Who do you favor in the Vir­ginia Slims tour­na­ment?”
          Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor: “In women’s ten­nis I always root against the het­ero­sex­u­al.”
      45. Hillary gives the Blind Sou­venir Ven­dor a let­ter that has to be in New York by Tues­day, which turns out to be a Publisher’s Clear­ing­house sweep­stakes entry.
      46. The ’84 Rip­ple Blanc has a soda bot­tle cap instead of a cork.
      47. The som­me­li­er hands Nick the ’84 Rip­ple Blanc cap to smell it like it’s a cork.
      48. The ’84 Rip­ple Blanc eats through the glass.

          

      49. As Nick and Hillary dance, the dance gets weird­er and weird­er.
      50. Hillary’s uncle escaped from the U.S. in a bal­loon dur­ing the Jim­my Carter pres­i­den­cy.
      51. “I know a lit­tle Ger­man; he’s sit­ting over there.”
      52. The wait­er rec­om­mends pork bel­lies mar­i­nat­ed in pig entrails or the roast swine knuck­les poached with flam­ing hog balls.
      53. Hillary’s name means, “She whose bosoms defy grav­i­ty.”
      54. Nick’s name is just some­thing his dad thought of when he was shav­ing.
      55. Hillary: “Some things are bet­ter left unsaid.”
          Nick: “Like what?”
          Hillary: “You know, some­times when you blow your nose into a tis­sue and you put it in your purse, then a lit­tle while lat­er you have to reach in there for your lip­stick or some­thing and your hand goosh­es into it and it goes all over…”
          Nick: “Okay, okay; you’re right: Some things are bet­ter left unsaid.”
      56. Var­i­ous shots of the orches­tra look­ing con­fused and play­ing a mile a minute while Nick sings “Tut­ti Frut­ti.”

          

      57. Three elec­tric gui­tar play­ers and two sax­o­phone play­ers sud­den­ly appear in front of the orches­tra.
      58. The kitchen staff, includ­ing a chef with a meat cleaver and a dead chick­en, danc­ing to the music.
      59. The piano play­er puts his foot on the keys like Jer­ry Lee Lewis and the bass vio­la play­er plays on his back with his feet in the air.
      60. At the end of “Tut­ti Frut­ti,” an elder­ly gui­tarist wear­ing a red ban­dana smash­es his gui­tar and amp.

          

      61. “Your hog balls, sir.”
      62. Agent Cedric shows up in Hillary’s hotel room; he’s trapped inside the smashed taxi with his face stick­ing out of one end and his feet stick­ing out of the oth­er.

          

      63. Agent Cedric starts cough­ing; Hillary opens a can of Hawai­ian Punch and pours it into the cube.
      64. Agent Cedric tries get­ting into the glove com­part­ment of the smashed taxi; he honks the horn and sets off the wipers and wind­shield sprayer, both of which hit him in the face.
      65. Hillary leans over Agent Cedric with her breasts push­ing into his face; the taxi’s anten­na rais­es and the horn honks.
      66. The male bal­let dancers have huge pro­trud­ing bulges in their tights.

          

      67. A man in Nick’s box seat hands out sodas and hot dogs.
      68. The male bal­let dancers lift the female dancers, who stand on the men’s huge pro­trud­ing bulges.
      69. The male bal­let dancers stand in two rows so the female dancers can run along their giant pro­trud­ing bulges.
      70. Nick’s hand­print dis­torts the policeman’s face even after the police­man push­es him away.
      71. When the police­man falls into the audi­ence, a male bal­let dancer miss­es a cue; a girl sails over his head with a scream and loud­ly crash­es off­screen.
      72. In the audi­ence a man gets his face stuck in between a woman’s thighs.
      73. Jan­i­tor clos­et with a jan­i­tor stand­ing inside.
      74. The Prop Room is full of pro­pellers.
      75. When Hillary looks down from the bal­cony at the traf­fic below, it’s minia­ture cars with mice caus­ing traf­fic acci­dents.
      76. When police try to get into the Prop Room a pro­peller is block­ing the door.
      77. Nick scratch­es the 20th hash mark on his cell wall and tells Mar­tin he’s been locked up for 20 min­utes.
      78. Mar­tin: “I’ve tried every­thing: The embassy, the Ger­man gov­ern­ment; the con­sulate; I even talked to the UN ambas­sador. It’s no use: I just can’t bring my wife to orgasm.”
      79. Nick gives Mar­tin a box labeled “Anal Intrud­er,” which con­tains a small jack­ham­mer and sev­er­al attach­ments.

          

      80. Nick’s cell has a food proces­sor on a shelf above the sink.
      81. The Priest at Nick’s exe­cu­tion: “In nomine Patris, et Fil­ii, et Spir­i­tus Sanc­ti, Omni Gal­lia divisa est in tres partes, Cor­pus delec­ti, Quid pro quo, Veni, vidi, vici, Nolo con­tendere, Habeas cor­pus, Rick Dureus, Ipso fac­to, Pro for­ma, Pari-pas­su, Hic, hec, hoc, Huius, huius, huius, E pluribus unum, Ouriyay oin­gay ootay etgay ied­fray in the air­chay, Tem­pus fugit, Caveat emp­tor, Coitus inter­rup­tus, Mitzi Gaynor ad nau­se­am, Amen.”[3]
      82. The guards exe­cute the Priest, not Nick.
      83. Gen. Streck (talk­ing on the phone): “What is the con­di­tion of Sergeant Kruger? Yes, I see. Very well, let me know if there is any change in his con­di­tion.” (Hangs up.) “He’s dead.”
      84. Nick’s tor­tur­ers: Bruno, who is almost blind and has to oper­ate whol­ly by touch; Klaus, a moron who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.
      85. Klaus is hold­ing a copy of the New York Post with a head­line read­ing “Mani­ac Stalks Olivia New­ton John.”
      86. Gen. Streck tells Nick that Mar­tin did­n’t know Ger­many has 220-volt cur­rent instead of 110-volt cur­rent; Von Horst holds up the dam­aged, smok­ing Anal Intrud­er jack­ham­mer.
      87. Gen. Streck: “He was found in his hotel room impaled on a large elec­tri­cal device. Our sur­geons did what they could, but it took them two hours just to get the smile off his face.”
      88. When Nick spits at Gen. Streck there’s a shot of the spit fly­ing clear across the room.
      89. Nick dreams he’s back in high school and has missed his final chem­istry exam; he runs away, say­ing, “Oh no—I’m back in school!” When he wakes up to find Bruno and Klaus are whip­ping him, he smiles and says, “Thank God!”
      90. Gen. Streck is read­ing Her­man Goering’s Work­out Book.

          

      91. Von Horst: He won’t break. They’ve tried every­thing. Do you want me to bring out the LeRoy Neiman paint­ings?”
          Gen. Streck: “No; we can­not risk vio­lat­ing the Gene­va Con­ven­tion.”
      92. Gen. Streck’s feet stay propped up on his desk when he stands up.
      93. As Bruno and Klaus drag Nick down a hall­way, Bruno bumps into the wall and wan­ders away.
      94. When Nick tries to escape his cell, he finds a crow­bar sit­ting on the toi­let.
      95. Nick crawls into a vent, then slides back into the cell from a dif­fer­ent vent.
      96. Nick crawls into a third vent, then finds him­self in the med­i­cine cab­i­net, then the toi­let. He final­ly slides out of a vent in Dr. Flammond’s lab.
      97. Dr. Flam­mond: “A year ago, I was close to per­fect­ing the first mag­net­ic desalin­iza­tion process so rev­o­lu­tion­ary, it was capa­ble of remov­ing the salt from over 500 mil­lion gal­lons of sea­wa­ter a day. Do you real­ize what that could mean to the starv­ing nations of the earth?”
          Nick: “Wow! They’d have enough salt to last for­ev­er!”
      98. Dr. Flam­mond: “Then one night, the secret police broke into my house, tore me from my fam­i­ly, ran­sacked my lab­o­ra­to­ry, and brought me to this dun­geon.”
          Nick: “That sucks!”
      99. Dr. Flam­mond: “If they find out you’ve seen this your life will be worth less than a truck­load of dead rats in a tam­pon fac­to­ry!”[4]
      100. When Von Horst is try­ing to call the fir­ing squad that’s about to shoot Nick, an old woman using a walk­er very slow­ly is approach­ing the ring­ing phone,  spoof­ing a pop­u­lar com­mer­cial at the time.

           

      101. The audi­ence at Nick’s con­cert holds up signs read­ing “Vel­come Neek.”
      102. As Nick sings and approach­es the edge of the stage, his micro­phone stand gets longer and longer.
      103. Nick throws his under­wear at the girls in the audi­ence (as opposed to women throw­ing their under­wear at Elvis or Tom Jones).
      104. Nick pulls a girl out of the audi­ence and sings to her; she faints and Nick lets her crash down on the stage.
      105. Dyan Can­non is lick­ing her lips at Nick from the audi­ence.
      106. Nick’s back­up singers have to restrain him from com­mit­ting sui­cide by hang­ing him­self, stick­ing his head in an oven, and lying down on a rail­road track.
      107. Hillary res­cues Nick by using a sus­pend­ed gui­tar to lift him off the stage.
      108. Nick yells at a bunch of parked bicy­cles to scare them away, as if they were hors­es in a West­ern.
      109. Streck’s car­ri­er pigeon has a leather fly­ing hel­met and a tiny brief­case to hold its mes­sages.
      110. Hillary tells Nick she once taught a course on Black His­to­ry in the Uni­ver­si­ty of Blaupunkt.
      111. Hillary’s pic­ture of her father shows him water­ski­ing with a woman on his shoul­ders.
      112. When Hillary and Nick are kiss­ing in the park there’s a large stat­ue of a pigeon behind them, which gets peed and pooped on by peo­ple who fly in.
      113. The pigeon stat­ue poops a huge poop too.
      114. The entire Swedish book­store scene is filmed back­wards.
      115. The Swedish book­store own­er’s left eye stays huge after he stops look­ing through the mag­ni­fy­ing glass.

           

      116. The Swedish book­store own­er’s glass­es also have a huge left lens.
      117. Hillary tells Nick it’s okay if he couldn’t get it up, but it turns out she’s read­ing a book to him.
      118. Hillary tells Nick her sto­ry about being strand­ed on an island with Nigel, spoof­ing Blue Lagoon.
      119. Nigel appears to be spear­ing a fish, then throws bananas to Hillary.
      120. Hillary takes oranges off a tree and puts them in a bam­boo shop­ping cart.
      121. Hillary and Nigel’s house was held togeth­er with dried sea­weed and snot.
      122. Their house has a remote-con­trolled garage door and a mail­box in the front yard.
      123. Their trop­i­cal island is affect­ed by San­ta Ana Winds?
      124. A long, slow pan of Hillary and Nigel kiss­ing on the beach shows many extra hands, feet, and oth­er body parts.
      125. Nick became an orphan when he got sep­a­rat­ed from his moth­er at a depart­ment store and she nev­er came back for him.
      126. The store had a semi-annu­al Lincoln’s birth­day sale.
      127. And a pre-teen mater­ni­ty depart­ment.
      128. When Nick plays the com­mer­cial jin­gle he’s just wav­ing his hand around in front of the gui­tar.
      129. Nick’s Macy’s song:
           

           Are you lone­some tonight?
           Is your kitchen a sight?
           Is your wardrobe all run­down and bare?
           Is your lip­stick all smeared?
           Are your stock­ings not sheer?
           Do they make your legs show all your hair?
           Do the tears on your pil­low roll down as you turn?
           Do they short out the blan­ket and make the sheets burn?
           Is your heart filled with pain?
           Will you come back again?
           Shop at Macy’s and love me tonight!

      130. Nick and Hillary embrace and smash the gui­tar between them.

           

      131. Nick and Hillary, kiss­ing and grop­ing each oth­er, roll left to right across the floor past a fire­place, then past anoth­er iden­ti­cal fire­place.
      132. Nick and Hillary are hid­ing under a pile of hay in a horse-drawn wag­on while we hear some­one singing part of an opera in Ger­man. As the wag­on comes clos­er we see the horse, not the wag­on dri­ver, is doing the singing.
      133. When the horse starts cough­ing, Hillary asks the dri­ver if the horse is all right. The wag­on dri­ver says, “He caught a cold the oth­er day, and he’s just a lit­tle hoarse.” (rimshot!)
      134. As the wag­on leaves the horse starts singing “A Hard Day’s Night.”
      135. Nick: “Is this the pota­to farm?”
           Albert Pota­to: “Yes; I am Albert Pota­to.”
      136. Albert Pota­to opens the peep­hole at the top of the door, then clos­es the peep­hole; when he opens the door, he’s about 4 feet tall.
      137. As we pan over the French Resis­tance, most are point­ing guns at Nick and Hillary, but one is point­ing a can­non; anoth­er has a leather vest with numer­ous throw­ing knives and the next is wear­ing a vest loaded with sil­ver­ware (he’s bran­dish­ing a soup ladle).
      138. When Nigel appears, he’s wear­ing a loin­cloth and a cut­tle­fish neck­lace, and he’s glis­ten­ing with oil.
      139. Hillary grabs a tape mea­sure and mea­sures Nigel’s bicep (he help­ful­ly flex­es it); then as Nigel talks to Nick, she stands up star­ing in awe at the mea­sur­ing tape, hav­ing clear­ly just mea­sured his tal­ly­whack­er.

           

      140. The French Resis­tance mem­bers’ names: Du Quois, Cheva­lier, Mon­tage, Detente, Avant-Garde, Déjà Vu, Crois­sant, Souf­flé, Escar­got, Latrine, and Choco­late Mousse.[5]
      141. When Déjà Vu is intro­duced, he says, “Have we not met before, mon­sieur?”[6]
      142. Choco­late Mousse is smok­ing a cig­ar; when he’s intro­duced he eats the cig­ar like it’s a pret­zel stick.
      143. As Nigel orders the men to pre­pare for action they excit­ed­ly toss around irrel­e­vant French phras­es (“Arc de Tri­omph!”, “Cor­don Bleu!”, “Zut alors!”, etc.)
      144. Hillary: “Nick, I want to explain…”
           Nick: “What’s there to explain?”
           Hillary: “But I just want to say that…”
           Nick: “Look, Hillary: I’m not the first guy who fell in love with a woman that he met at a restau­rant who turned out to be the daugh­ter of a kid­napped sci­en­tist, only to lose her to her child­hood lover who she last saw on a desert­ed island, who then turned out fif­teen years lat­er to be the leader of the French under­ground.”
           Hillary: “I know. It all sounds like some bad movie.”
           (They both freeze, then very slow­ly turn to look at the cam­era).

           

      145. Nigel: “Come, my dar­ling. Let me show you what I’ve done with the fall­out shel­ter.”
      146. Choco­late Mousse uses a pow­der horn to pour pow­der in the bar­rel of a machine gun.
      147. Déjà Vu is pack­ing a knap­sack with a bot­tle of Head & Shoul­ders sham­poo, Pep­to Bis­mol, a hair dry­er, and a base­ball and base­ball glove.
      148. Déjà Vu: “Do not take it so hard, Nick. Life is filled with its lit­tle mis­eries. Each of us, in his own way, must learn to deal with adver­si­ty in a mature and adult fash­ion.” He sneezes into his hands, looks at his hands, then screams and leaps through a win­dow.
      149. Nick (pick­ing up a bot­tle from the table): “Mind if I have a swig of this?”
           Choco­late Mousse: “Go right ahead!”
           Nick (takes a swig, then chokes and spits it out): “What the hell is this stuff?”
           Choco­late Mousse: “Gaso­line!” (He laughs and drinks from the bot­tle).
      150. As Hillary and Nigel put their clothes back on in the fall­out shel­ter, Nigel describes how he was picked up by a freight ship and the sailors sex­u­al­ly abused him.
           Hillary: “It must have been awful!” (she embraces Nigel).
           Nigel smirks at the cam­era.
      151. Latrine, wound­ed, stag­gers in: “We nev­er had a chance—it was a slaugh­ter!” (the run­ning gag here is that Latrine keeps stag­ger­ing in wound­ed, and some­one yells, “Latrine!”)
           Déjà Vu: “We must put a stop to these after­noon foot­ball games!”
      152. They scat­ter as the Ger­man army attacks the farm­house. Three men are play­ing foos­ball; one stops to update the score before they scat­ter.
      153. The men run to the right, then to the left, then stop to tap dance.
      154. Du Quois backs up against a wall next to a win­dow; Déjà Vu backs up against the win­dow until Du Quois grabs him and pulls him away.
      155. Nigel looks out a six-paned win­dow, then breaks the sin­gle unbro­ken pane before shoot­ing.
      156. Déjà Vu bends his pistol’s bar­rel try­ing to break a win­dow­pane.
      157. Choco­late Mousse shoots a can­non while hold­ing it under one arm.
      158. Albert Pota­to is too short to see out the win­dow, so he jumps up repeat­ed­ly to shoot.
      159. Déjà Vu takes a sledge­ham­mer to the win­dow; the ham­mer breaks into pieces.
      160. Nick and a Ger­man sol­dier play Tic-Tac-Toe by shoot­ing X’s and O’s in win­dow panes.
      161. A grenade lands in the mid­dle of the floor; as Du Quois jumps on it, explo­sions throw four oth­er men out win­dows and into the ceil­ing.[7]
      162. Ger­man sol­diers crash through the door and start fight­ing the Resis­tance hand-to-hand. We cut to Choco­late Mousse shoot­ing errat­i­cal­ly at them with a machine gun, then cut back to the Resis­tance stand­ing next to a pile of dead Ger­man sol­diers.
           Du Quois: “Nice shoot­ing!”
      163. When the Resis­tance meets in Der Piz­za Haus, Déjà Vu and Du Quois hang their guns on a coat stand.
      164. Choco­late Mousse is hold­ing his Tom­my Gun at the table.
      165. Der Piz­za Haus has a Hitler clock.
      166. Du Quois: “Well, Mon­sieur Rivers. It seems that you have become, how do you say, indis­pens­able?”
           Nick: “Indis­pens­able.”
           Du Quois: “That’s what I thought.”
      167. Peo­ple in the back­ground pick up slices from a piz­za, stretch­ing cheese all over the room with­out break­ing free of the piz­za.
      168. Latrine (as usu­al, stag­ger­ing in and wound­ed) slams Streck’s dead car­ri­er pigeon down on the table: “A trai­tor in our midst!”
           Déjà Vu (look­ing at the pigeon): “Well done, Latrine! I see you have dealt with him appro­pri­ate­ly!”
           Du Quois (open­ing the bird’s tiny brief­case): “Not the bird, you fool; this is a car­ri­er pigeon on its way to Ger­man head­quar­ters!”
      169. Nick (when two teenagers ask him if he’s Nick Rivers): “You must have me con­fused with some­one else. I’m Mel Torme.”
           Du Quois: “That was close!”
      170. Nigel: “How do we know he’s not Mel Torme?”
      171. Nick spins on a throw rug until it drills a hole in the floor, then re-enters by the front door.
      172. Déjà Vu knocks a milk­shake off the table and into Du Quois’ lap.
      173. Nick runs up a wall and does a back­flip.
      174. As Nick sings “Straight­en it out!” the bar­tender takes off his toupee, spins it, and puts it back on.
      175. Two guys stand­ing on a table are spin­ning their girl­friends around like they’re dead cats.
      176. Albert Pota­to (whose head’s down at the lev­el of the table): “This is not Mel Torme.”
      177. As the Resis­tance jumps out of the plane there’s a U‑Haul sign paint­ed on the side.
      178. Déjà Vu’s hold­ing a Duty Free bag as he jumps.
      179. Hillary (as Nick drifts by her on his para­chute): “Oh Nick!”
           Nick (rais­ing back up): “Yes?”
      180. Hillary (still para­chut­ing) turns away from Nick; Nick (also still para­chut­ing) approach­es her from behind and touch­es her shoul­der.
      181. As Nick and Hillary (both still para­chut­ing) embrace and kiss, a blaz­ing roman­tic fire­place appears behind them on its own para­chute.
      182. As the Resis­tance scouts the prison, a crick­et gets loud­er and loud­er until Choco­late Mousse smash­es it with a giant mal­let.
      183. As Nigel looks at the prison with binoc­u­lars, a herd of cows step over the edge of the lens­es and appear to be walk­ing inside the binoc­u­lars.
      184. As Nigel draws the plan with a stick in the dirt, minia­ture trees, cows, sol­diers, a fence, the prison, and a mod­el train appear.
      185. Nigel insists upon wear­ing the back half of the cow cos­tume; Du Quois says, “Fine; be an ass­hole!”
      186. The cow cos­tume is a real cow, wear­ing boots, with spots paint­ed on it.
      187. Du Quois moos from inside the cos­tume with a French accent: “Mieu!”
      188. A sol­dier whips the cow and Nigel yells, “Ouch!”
      189. Nigel groans with plea­sure as a calf suck­les the cow cos­tume’s udders.
      190. Leaves rus­tle and crunch as Nick, Choco­late Mouse, and Déjà Vu walk through the woods; Nick shush­es Choco­late Mousse and Déjà Vu and they’re all abrupt­ly silent.
      191. When Déjà Vu checks the time, his watch is as big as a pie plate.
      192. The cow puts on a stetho­scope to pick the lock on the gen­er­a­tor shed.
      193. The cow takes a drag on a cig­a­rette.
      194. The switch to cut the pow­er for the elec­tric fence is labeled Das Fen­cen Switchen.
      195. As Nick crawls under the fence he sees a sol­dier stand­ing in the way, but it’s just a pair of emp­ty boots.
      196. Choco­late Mousse throws a grap­pling hook straight up; when it starts to fall, Choco­late Mousse, Nick, and Déjà Vu scat­ter, scream­ing.
      197. When Choco­late Mousse throws the grap­pling hook again, it snags Déjà Vu’s shirt and flings him up the side of the prison.
      198. As Déjà Vu clings to the edge of the wall, Nick and Choco­late Mousse climb up and over and Déjà Vu, step­ping on his head and hands.
      199. Choco­late Mousse punch­es a sol­dier, who goes over the wall and shat­ters like pot­tery when he hits the ground.
      200. A guard on the wall walks by, clue­less, as Déjà Vu and anoth­er guard fight nois­i­ly in the court­yard below.
      201. Déjà Vu and the guard con­tin­ue fight­ing; Choco­late Mousse tag-teams Déjà Vu and steps into a wrestling ring made with barbed wire.
      202. Choco­late Mousse takes the guard out with WWE moves, yelling, “Vive le France!”
      203. As Déjà Vu and Choco­late Mousse, dis­guised as guards, goos­es­tep down the hall, their boots fly off.
      204. A bull notices Nigel and Du Quois walk­ing by in the cow cos­tume and pur­sues them while we hear the theme from Jaws.
      205. The bull mounts the cow cos­tume and Nigel screams.
      206. Nick (open­ing the cell door): “Dr. Flam­mond! Come on; we’re tak­ing you out of here.”
           Dr. Flam­mond (pil­ing dirt on the floor with a spoon): “How iron­ic; anoth­er day and I would have com­plet­ed my tun­nel.”
           Nick (look­ing under the bed and see­ing the New Jer­sey tun­nel): “Nice work!”
      207. Hillary takes a hand­ker­chief from Nigel’s coat and sneezes out a pigeon; five more pigeons come out of the coat.
      208. Nigel’s stiff bow­legged walk after being mount­ed by the bull.
      209. When Nigel picks up a rifle lean­ing against a tree, the tree falls over.
      210. Nigel: “I was exposed to the works great thinkers: Karl Marx, L. Ron Hub­bard, Fred­die Lak­er.”
      211. Gen. Streck’s giant phone.
           
      212. A guard waves mil­i­tary vehi­cles along as they race by; when the cam­era pulls back it’s just a few vehi­cles dri­ving in a cir­cle.
      213. Choco­late Mousse: “Where’s the truck?”
           Nick: “Where’s Hillary?”
           Déjà Vu: “I’m hun­gry!”
      214. Du Quois: “Nigel made me go back to the meter shed; ordered me to set off the alarm.”
           Déjà Vu: “And what does he want us to do now?”
           Du Quois: “Noth­ing, you numb­skull; Nigel’s a trai­tor!”
      215. As Ger­man sol­diers approach in a truck, Choco­late Mousse holds out his hand and some­one off­screen hands him a machine gun like giv­ing a sur­geon a scalpel.
      216. The truck skids out of con­trol as the dri­ver slams on the brakes. As it comes to a stop, a Ford Pin­to sud­den­ly appears in front of it. The truck­’s bumper bare­ly touch­es the Pin­to’s bumper and the Pin­to explodes.[8]
      217. Du Quois yells, “Latrine!” as Latrine yet again) stag­gers into the scene, wound­ed, and col­laps­es on Du Quois, lean­ing against a log. Then Du Quois pops back up from behnd the log.
      218. Du Quois: “Nick, whether you make it back or not, that plane must take off with Flam­mond at 1800 hours.”
           Déjà Vu: “That’s why we rec­om­mend you be there at least 45 min­utes before depar­ture, espe­cial­ly at this time of year.”
      219. Déjà Vu kiss­es Nick on both cheeks as they depart, leav­ing large lip­stick prints on Nick’s cheeks.
      220. Déjà Vu (as he and Du Quois, Dr. Flam­mond, and Choco­late Mousse leave in the still-burn­ing truck, the truck that just explod­ed the Pin­to): “You’ve got to hand it to the Ger­mans: They make great cars!”
      221. Nick jumps a motor­cy­cle over a barbed-wire fence, a nod to Steve McQueen in The Great Escape.
      222. Nick winks at the cam­era, then accel­er­ates as the motor­cy­cle emits the Roadrunner’s “Meep meep!”
      223. Nick jumps the cycle over six bus­es.
      224. Nick stands on the motor­cy­cle like it’s a horse as he jumps on the truck con­tain­ing Nigel and Hillary.
      225. As Nick and Nigel bat­tle over Nigel’s pis­tol and the steer­ing wheel, we also see their hands fight­ing for con­trol of the truck’s stereo.

           

      226. Nick and Nigel fall off the truck, land­ing in a riv­er. They punch each oth­er, then Nigel hits Nick with a barstool. Nick lands on a table and kicks Nigel as we see they’re in a West­ern-style saloon at the bot­tom of the riv­er.
      227. Nigel crash­es into the bar and grabs a pis­tol; the bar­tender hits him with a bot­tle as he shoots at Nick (remem­ber this is all under­wa­ter!), who leaps out of the way as a chan­de­lier crash­es to the riv­er bed.
      228. A group of cow­boys play­ing pok­er duck under the table; one of them leaves his hat still float­ing where his head was a moment before.
      229. Nick does a Muhammed Ali-style rope-a-dope, punch­es Nigel, then grabs Nigel’s nip­ples and throws him through the saloon’s win­dow, all as the Bonan­za theme plays.

           

      230. A girl lying on the bar gur­gles “Good-bye” as Nick dusts off his hat and leaves through the (under­wa­ter!) saloon’s swing­ing doors (how do you dust off a hat when you and the hat are both under­wa­ter?).
      231. Hillary zooms down the road on Nick’s motor­cy­cle, her hair fly­ing out behind her. When she stops to look around for Nick, her hair is still point­ing behind her.
      232. When Nick walks out of the riv­er his hair and clothes are dry.
      233. When Hillary sees Nick, her breasts glow like E.T.s mag­ic fin­ger; they even has the same sound effect.
      234. As the Resis­tance waits to board their plane, Déjà Vu and Choco­late Mousse use the RAF sym­bol on the side of the plane to play darts.
      235. As Hillary jumps off the motor­cy­cle to embrace her father, she push­es Nick and the motor­cy­cle over with a loud crash.
      236. Hillary: “For as long as a sin­gle man is forced to cow­er under the iron fist of oppres­sion, as long as a child cries out in the night, or an actor can be elect­ed pres­i­dent,[9] we must con­tin­ue the strug­gle.”
      237. Déjà Vu: “Go with Nick. Don’t wor­ry about us. We will hear his music on the Voice of Amer­i­ca. We will hear it in the hearts of the peo­ple and in ele­va­tors every­where.”
      238. Hillary: “Things change. Peo­ple change; hair styles change. Inter­est rates fluc­tu­ate.”
      239. As Nick and Hillary kiss, their tongues grope around in each other’s cheeks.
      240. As Hillary hugs every­one and says good­bye, she hugs Scare­crow from The Wiz­ard of Oz.
      241. Jokes in the cred­its:
           • Focus Puller
           • Clap­per Loader
           • Focus Loader
           • Clap­per Puller
           • Puller Clap­per
           • Clap­per Clap­per
           • Flip­per Flap­per
           • Hab­er­dash­er
           • Hey Did­dle Did­dle: The Cat and the Fid­dle
           • Foreez: A Jol­ly Good Fel­low
           • This Space For Rent

Footnotes:

[1] Bernstein’s par­ents were Jew­ish and fled Rus­sia before he was born, so the chances that Bern­stein would per­form in East Ger­many, to put it mild­ly, are exceed­ing­ly slim.

[2] The Ger­man for the terms doesn’t seem to match the Eng­lish trans­la­tions; I sus­pect the Ger­man in the entire film is full of jokes but I don’t speak Ger­man. If you do, let me know what it says!

[3] Latin trans­la­tions:

• “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spir­it.”
• “All Gaul is divid­ed into three parts” (the first sen­tence of Julius Caesar’s book “Cae­sar’s Com­men­taries: On The Gal­lic War and On The Civ­il War”).
• “Body of the crime” (a legal term refer­ring to con­crete evi­dence of a crime, such as a dead body).
• “Some­thing for some­thing” (col­lo­qui­al­ly “I’ll do you a favor if you do me a favor in return”).
• “I came, I saw, I con­quered.” Also from Cae­sar, which makes me won­der why they didn’t include “Et tu, Brute?”
• “No con­test” (mean­ing a defen­dant waives the right to a tri­al with­out plead­ing inno­cent or guilty).
• “You have the body” (mean­ing an arrest­ed per­son must be brought to a judge as soon as pos­si­ble either to be released or for­mal­ly charged to remain locked up).
• I have no idea who or what “Rick Dureus” refers to.
• “By the very fact” (mean­ing some­thing is the inevitable result of some­thing pre­vi­ous).
• “For the sake of form” (some­thing done as a for­mal­i­ty).
• “With equal step” (mean­ing “equal foot­ing” in finan­cial terms).
• “Here, this, this” (the third and fourth con­ju­ga­tion of verbs in Latin).
• “Of this one, of that one” (more Latin con­ju­ga­tions).
• “Out of many, one” (refer­ring to the US when it’s print­ed on mon­ey);
• Pig Latin: “You’re going to get fried in the chair.”
• “Time flies.”
• “Buy­er beware.”
• “Sex, inter­rupt­ed.”
• Mitzi Gaynor. Duh.
• “To nau­sea,” aka “I’m SICK of this!”

[4] How much is a truck­load of dead rats in a tam­pon fac­to­ry worth, any­way?

[5]  Who is, of course, black.

[6] Déjà Vu is played by Jim Carter, who also plays Car­son on Down­ton Abby.

[7] I’ve seen this movie at least 30 times and I still don’t get this.

[8] When Top Secret! was released, Ford was recall­ing Pin­tos because some of them explod­ed after rear-end col­li­sions.

[9] When Top Secret! was released, Ronald Rea­gan (a for­mer movie star) was Pres­i­dent.