Vote for Willy Wonka and the Oompa-Loompas: Because America Deserves NOTHING!

ANDERSON COOPER: We inter­rupt this pro­gram with a spe­cial report:

After years of tan­ta­liz­ing hints and deli­cious choco­late, but not a gold­en tick­et in sight, CNN can now answer the ques­tion on everyone’s minds:

Willy Won­ka is indeed enter­ing the pres­i­den­tial race, a dark horse indeed this late in the year; he’ll be the Brown Party’s candidate.

We join Dou­glas Fir at the gates of Willy Wonka’s Choco­late Fac­to­ry as OLLM pro­test­ers demand equal­i­ty for the Oom­pa-Loom­pas and Ever­last­ing Gob­stop­pers for all.

DOUGLAS FIR: Thank you, Ander­son. We’re all wait­ing here at the gates of the leg­endary Won­ka Choco­late Fac­to­ry for Won­ka him­self to appear as promised, after more than 50 years of silence. In the mean­time, we’ve been talk­ing to the oth­er can­di­dates to see what they had to say about Willy Wonka:

Willy Won­ka is noto­ri­ous­ly pub­lic­i­ty shy. Have you met him? What’s your impres­sion of him?

DONALD TRUMP: Oh, we talk all the time! Bigly! Yuu­u­uge! Willy is a great, great man and he’s doing fan­tas­tic things. He asked me for a job years ago and he just wasn’t a good fit, but I do love how he keeps his labor costs down; I’m look­ing into his ideas for fed­er­al employ­ee man­age­ment. Willy’s almost as amaz­ing as me! Almost, but not quite!

DOUGLAS FIR: What’s the Brown Party?

KAMALA HARRIS: It’s choco­late, you imbe­cile! Choco­late is brown!

MIKE PENCE: Choco­late is sin­ful. Are there any Oom­pa-Loom­pa females? I don’t want to be alone in a room with any of them.

HILLARY CLINTON: (mut­ter­ing) Of course you don’t, you emas­cu­lat­ed wet dishrag.

DOUGLAS FIR: Wet dashcam?

HILLARY CLINTON: (full vol­ume) Willy is one of my clos­est friends! He offered to let me use one of his servers to help with my e‑mail, but I thought he said “ser­vants,” so those alle­ga­tions about abuse the Oom­pa-Loom­pas alleged­ly suf­fered at my house are—

BILL CLINTON: GODDAMMIT HILLARY! YOU’RE NOT RUNNING! SHUT THE HELL UP!

KAMALA HARRIS: I LOVE Willy Won­ka! It’s ter­ri­ble how those poor Oom­pa-Loom­pas are treat­ed. Willy Won­ka is my hero; the per­son I most want­ed to be until he filed that restrain­ing order. I think—

DOUGLAS FIR: Wait; I thought you said you love Willy Wonka.

KAMALA HARRIS: I do! He’s such a—

DOUGLAS FIR: You’re friend­ly with him even though you think he mis­treats the Oompa-Loompas?

KAMALA HARRIS: IT WAS A DEBATE! (cack­les wild­ly) But I am real­ly very seri­ous­ly con­cerned about the Oom­pa-Loom­pas and I’ll try to get around to releas­ing them from prison as soon as no one’s loo—uh I mean, as soon as I have a minute.

BILL CLINTON: Won­ka flies around in that glass ele­va­tor, right? I’m not sup­posed to talk about any­thing involv­ing pri­vate­ly-owned air­craft, so I have no commen—(the remote cam­era abrupt­ly tilts side­ways with a loud crash while the pic­ture disappears)

HILLARY CLINTON: YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE NOT RUNNING EITHER!

DOUGLAS FIR: Bill Clin­ton, Joe Biden and Don­ald Trump have all been accused of sex­u­al harass­ment and oth­er inap­pro­pri­ate acts.

Most of us know very lit­tle about Willy Won­ka, on the oth­er hand. For those of you who say they have met Won­ka: What’s your take on his per­son­al and pro­fes­sion­al conduct?

THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS:

♬ Oom­pa-Loom­pa doo­p­i­ty dance ♬
♬ Won­ka can keep his dick in his pants! ♬
♬ Oom­pa-Loom­pa triple-dog dare ♬
♬ Won­ka will nev­er sniff at your hair! ♬

♬ What do you have when you con­stant­ly Tweet? ♬
♬ Or pay some­one off ‘cause you want­ed to cheat? ♬
♬ What if you sleep your way to the top? ♬
♬ Your neck will be the first one they… CHOP! ♬

♬ (Soloist): Good rid­dance to bad ru-huh-bish! ♬

♬ Oom­pa-Loom­pa choke on your polls ♬
♬ You are all a bunch of ass­holes! ♬
♬ Won­ka always tells you the truth ♬
♬ Like the Oom­pa-Loom­pa doo­p­i­ty do! ♬

DOUGLAS FIR: What? Wait; why are the Oom­pa-Loom­pas here?

WILLY WONKA: The Oom­pa-Loom­pas are my vice-pres­i­den­tial nom­i­nee, that’s why.

DOUGLAS FIR: He’s here! Willy Won­ka is here speak­ing with CNN for his first press appear­ance in more than 50 years!

Mr. Won­ka, I speak for the Amer­i­can peo­ple (minus the deplorables) when I ask:

Why are you enter­ing the race? What can you offer Amer­i­ca that one of the oth­er can­di­dates can’t?

WILLY WONKA: Offer? I’m not offer­ing any­one any­thing. Good day, sir.

JOE BIDEN: Willy Won­ka? He makes choco­late, right? Is he that Her­shey Nestlé guy? Where are we on that? Is this Penn­syl­va­nia? C’mon, man!

DOUGLAS FIR: But sure­ly you feel Amer­i­ca deserves an answer—

WILLY WONKA: Deserves? You want to talk about what Amer­i­ca deserves? I’ll tell you what Amer­i­ca deserves: NOTHING! You get NOTHING! You LOSE! I said good DAY, sir!

DOUGLAS FIR: Um, okay; I see. What do you fore­see in America’s future?

DOUGLAS FIR: Well, a sim­ple “I’m not sure” would have been fine, but okay. Can you elab­o­rate on your state­ment that—

MISTER ROGERS: “Elab­o­rate.” That’s a big word, isn’t it? Do you know what “elab­o­rate” means?

(ANDERSON COOPER, DOUGLAS FIR, DONALD TRUMP, MIKE PENCE, HILLARY CLINTON, BILL CLINTON, KAMALA HARRIS, THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS, and WILLY WONKA instant­ly gen­u­flect as all the angels in heav­en and on Earth sing):

♬♬ Mis­ter Roooooogers! ♬♬

JOE BIDEN: Roger that! Loud and clear! Um, you go first; I don’t—

DOUGLAS FIR: (shov­ing Joe Biden out of the way) Mis­ter Rogers is here, Amer­i­ca! He’s right here! What do you want to talk about today, Mis­ter Rogers?

MISTER ROGERS:

♬ Oh, I have so many ideas for you! ♬
♬ And you have things you want to talk about ♬
♬ I do, too! ♬

DOUGLAS FIR: (try­ing not to cry) Thank you, Mis­ter Rogers. If I may ask, do you have any thoughts about—

MISTER ROGERS: It’s nice when some­one when some­one wants to talk and share, isn’t it? Would you like to share today, Dou­glas? I enjoy mak­ing new friends, don’t you?

ANDERSON COOPER: (shoves Dou­glas Fir aside) Mis­ter Rogers! I’d like to get your opin­ion on…

MISTER ROGERS: Oh, my friend Dou­glas had to leave. Does that make you sad? It makes me sad some­times when a friend has to leave. But I think we’ll see Dou­glas again, because he wasn’t angry; he just had many things to do.

ANDERSON COOPER: Mis­ter Rogers! Can you tell us why you want to run for Pres­i­dent of the Unit­ed States?

MISTER ROGERS: Oh, I don’t real­ly enjoy run­ning. I do go swim­ming every morn­ing, though. Do you like to swim, Anderson?

ANDERSON COOPER: Um—not real­ly, but I’d like to ask your posi­tion on immigration.

MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?

ANDERSON COOPER: There are many issues con­nect­ed to for­eign pol­i­cy that the US has to—

MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?

ANDERSON COOPER: I’m not talk­ing about domes­tic pol­i­cy when it comes to—

MISTER ROGERS: I have always want­ed to have a neigh­bor just like you!

ANDERSON COOPER: Yes, fine, but I’m not talk­ing about peo­ple on your block; I want to—

DONALD TRUMP: Block? Which block? My dad gave me a small loan of $1,000,000 to get started—

MISTER ROGERS: I’ve always want­ed to live in a neigh­bor­hood with you!

DONALD TRUMP: No way, los­er. You’ll drag prop­er­ty val­ues down and—

MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?

KAMALA HARRIS: So you’re propo­si­tion­ing ME to—

MISTER ROGERS: I have always want­ed to have a neigh­bor just like you.

MIKE PENCE: Yes, but can you guar­an­tee there won’t be any fun­ny busi­ness with—

HILLARY CLINTON: And here we go with the vast right-wing con­spir­a­cy again! Last time—

MISTER ROGERS: Let’s make the most of this beau­ti­ful day!

ANDERSON COOPER: Yes, fine, but I’m try­ing to get you to—

DONALD TRUMP: Okay, yes, every­thing is beau­ti­ful in its own way, fine! But what—

MISTER ROGERS: Please won’t you be my neighbor?

JOE BIDEN: Wait, do you live in Scranton?

DONALD TRUMP: Live in Scran­ton? I OWN Scranton!

JOE BIDEN: I was born in Scran­ton, but we have no bananas in Scran­ton, PA!

KAMALA HARRIS: Stay in your lane, Grampaw!

MISTER ROGERS: I have always want­ed to live in a neigh­bor­hood with you!

KAMALA HARRIS: Who told you my addre—

MISTER ROGERS: Oh won’t you please?

ANDERSON COOPER: If you think you can get my address by—

JOE BIDEN: Address? What was that thing Wash­ing­ton did at the gut­ters; no, the burglar—

MIKE PENCE: That’s GETTYSBURG, you idiot!

KAMALA HARRIS: Look, I know THIS IS A DEBATE! but I think we all deserve to hear—

MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?

DONALD TRUMP: Not unless you have some gold paint and…

MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?

KAMALA HARRIS: “My” neigh­bor? So you think you own your neigh­bors and you’re rein­forc­ing the whole master/slave dynam­ic that…

MISTER ROGERS: Please won’t you be my neighbor?

EVERYONE: YES! OKAY? YES, I’LL BE YOUR FUCKING NEIGHBOR!

MISTER ROGERS: Hel­lo, neighbor!