Vote for Willy Wonka and the Oompa-Loompas: Because America Deserves NOTHING!

ANDERSON COOPER: We interrupt this program with a special report:
After years of tantalizing hints and delicious chocolate, but not a golden ticket in sight, CNN can now answer the question on everyone’s minds:
Willy Wonka is indeed entering the presidential race, a dark horse indeed this late in the year; he’ll be the Brown Party’s candidate.
We join Douglas Fir at the gates of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory as OLLM protesters demand equality for the Oompa-Loompas and Everlasting Gobstoppers for all.
DOUGLAS FIR: Thank you, Anderson. We’re all waiting here at the gates of the legendary Wonka Chocolate Factory for Wonka himself to appear as promised, after more than 50 years of silence. In the meantime, we’ve been talking to the other candidates to see what they had to say about Willy Wonka:
Willy Wonka is notoriously publicity shy. Have you met him? What’s your impression of him?
DONALD TRUMP: Oh, we talk all the time! Bigly! Yuuuuge! Willy is a great, great man and he’s doing fantastic things. He asked me for a job years ago and he just wasn’t a good fit, but I do love how he keeps his labor costs down; I’m looking into his ideas for federal employee management. Willy’s almost as amazing as me! Almost, but not quite!
DOUGLAS FIR: What’s the Brown Party?
KAMALA HARRIS: It’s chocolate, you imbecile! Chocolate is brown!
MIKE PENCE: Chocolate is sinful. Are there any Oompa-Loompa females? I don’t want to be alone in a room with any of them.
HILLARY CLINTON: (muttering) Of course you don’t, you emasculated wet dishrag.
DOUGLAS FIR: Wet dashcam?
HILLARY CLINTON: (full volume) Willy is one of my closest friends! He offered to let me use one of his servers to help with my e‑mail, but I thought he said “servants,” so those allegations about abuse the Oompa-Loompas allegedly suffered at my house are—
BILL CLINTON: GODDAMMIT HILLARY! YOU’RE NOT RUNNING! SHUT THE HELL UP!
KAMALA HARRIS: I LOVE Willy Wonka! It’s terrible how those poor Oompa-Loompas are treated. Willy Wonka is my hero; the person I most wanted to be until he filed that restraining order. I think—
DOUGLAS FIR: Wait; I thought you said you love Willy Wonka.
KAMALA HARRIS: I do! He’s such a—
DOUGLAS FIR: You’re friendly with him even though you think he mistreats the Oompa-Loompas?
KAMALA HARRIS: IT WAS A DEBATE! (cackles wildly) But I am really very seriously concerned about the Oompa-Loompas and I’ll try to get around to releasing them from prison as soon as no one’s loo—uh I mean, as soon as I have a minute.
BILL CLINTON: Wonka flies around in that glass elevator, right? I’m not supposed to talk about anything involving privately-owned aircraft, so I have no commen—(the remote camera abruptly tilts sideways with a loud crash while the picture disappears)
HILLARY CLINTON: YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE NOT RUNNING EITHER!
DOUGLAS FIR: Bill Clinton, Joe Biden and Donald Trump have all been accused of sexual harassment and other inappropriate acts.
Most of us know very little about Willy Wonka, on the other hand. For those of you who say they have met Wonka: What’s your take on his personal and professional conduct?
THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS:
♬ Oompa-Loompa doopity dance ♬
♬ Wonka can keep his dick in his pants! ♬
♬ Oompa-Loompa triple-dog dare ♬
♬ Wonka will never sniff at your hair! ♬
♬ What do you have when you constantly Tweet? ♬
♬ Or pay someone off ‘cause you wanted to cheat? ♬
♬ What if you sleep your way to the top? ♬
♬ Your neck will be the first one they… CHOP! ♬
♬ (Soloist): Good riddance to bad ru-huh-bish! ♬
♬ Oompa-Loompa choke on your polls ♬
♬ You are all a bunch of assholes! ♬
♬ Wonka always tells you the truth ♬
♬ Like the Oompa-Loompa doopity do! ♬
DOUGLAS FIR: What? Wait; why are the Oompa-Loompas here?
WILLY WONKA: The Oompa-Loompas are my vice-presidential nominee, that’s why.
DOUGLAS FIR: He’s here! Willy Wonka is here speaking with CNN for his first press appearance in more than 50 years!
Mr. Wonka, I speak for the American people (minus the deplorables) when I ask:
Why are you entering the race? What can you offer America that one of the other candidates can’t?
WILLY WONKA: Offer? I’m not offering anyone anything. Good day, sir.
JOE BIDEN: Willy Wonka? He makes chocolate, right? Is he that Hershey Nestlé guy? Where are we on that? Is this Pennsylvania? C’mon, man!
DOUGLAS FIR: But surely you feel America deserves an answer—
WILLY WONKA: Deserves? You want to talk about what America deserves? I’ll tell you what America deserves: NOTHING! You get NOTHING! You LOSE! I said good DAY, sir!
DOUGLAS FIR: Um, okay; I see. What do you foresee in America’s future?
WILLY WONKA:
♬ There’s no earthly way of knowing ♬
♬ Which direction we are going! ♬
♬ Not a speck of light is showing ♬
♬ So the danger must be growing! ♬
♬ For the rowers keep on rowing! ♬
♬ And they’re certainly not showing ♬
♬ ANY SIGNS THAT THEY ARE SLOWING! ♬
YAAAAEEHHHAAAAAHHHH!
DOUGLAS FIR: Well, a simple “I’m not sure” would have been fine, but okay. Can you elaborate on your statement that—
MISTER ROGERS: “Elaborate.” That’s a big word, isn’t it? Do you know what “elaborate” means?
(ANDERSON COOPER, DOUGLAS FIR, DONALD TRUMP, MIKE PENCE, HILLARY CLINTON, BILL CLINTON, KAMALA HARRIS, THE OOMPA-LOOMPAS, and WILLY WONKA instantly genuflect as all the angels in heaven and on Earth sing):
♬♬ Mister Roooooogers! ♬♬
JOE BIDEN: Roger that! Loud and clear! Um, you go first; I don’t—
DOUGLAS FIR: (shoving Joe Biden out of the way) Mister Rogers is here, America! He’s right here! What do you want to talk about today, Mister Rogers?
MISTER ROGERS:
♬ Oh, I have so many ideas for you! ♬
♬ And you have things you want to talk about ♬
♬ I do, too! ♬
DOUGLAS FIR: (trying not to cry) Thank you, Mister Rogers. If I may ask, do you have any thoughts about—
MISTER ROGERS: It’s nice when someone when someone wants to talk and share, isn’t it? Would you like to share today, Douglas? I enjoy making new friends, don’t you?
ANDERSON COOPER: (shoves Douglas Fir aside) Mister Rogers! I’d like to get your opinion on…
MISTER ROGERS: Oh, my friend Douglas had to leave. Does that make you sad? It makes me sad sometimes when a friend has to leave. But I think we’ll see Douglas again, because he wasn’t angry; he just had many things to do.
ANDERSON COOPER: Mister Rogers! Can you tell us why you want to run for President of the United States?
MISTER ROGERS: Oh, I don’t really enjoy running. I do go swimming every morning, though. Do you like to swim, Anderson?
ANDERSON COOPER: Um—not really, but I’d like to ask your position on immigration.
MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?
ANDERSON COOPER: There are many issues connected to foreign policy that the US has to—
MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?
ANDERSON COOPER: I’m not talking about domestic policy when it comes to—
MISTER ROGERS: I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you!
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes, fine, but I’m not talking about people on your block; I want to—
DONALD TRUMP: Block? Which block? My dad gave me a small loan of $1,000,000 to get started—
MISTER ROGERS: I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you!
DONALD TRUMP: No way, loser. You’ll drag property values down and—
MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?
KAMALA HARRIS: So you’re propositioning ME to—
MISTER ROGERS: I have always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
MIKE PENCE: Yes, but can you guarantee there won’t be any funny business with—
HILLARY CLINTON: And here we go with the vast right-wing conspiracy again! Last time—
MISTER ROGERS: Let’s make the most of this beautiful day!
ANDERSON COOPER: Yes, fine, but I’m trying to get you to—
DONALD TRUMP: Okay, yes, everything is beautiful in its own way, fine! But what—
MISTER ROGERS: Please won’t you be my neighbor?
JOE BIDEN: Wait, do you live in Scranton?
DONALD TRUMP: Live in Scranton? I OWN Scranton!
JOE BIDEN: I was born in Scranton, but we have no bananas in Scranton, PA!
KAMALA HARRIS: Stay in your lane, Grampaw!
MISTER ROGERS: I have always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you!
KAMALA HARRIS: Who told you my addre—
MISTER ROGERS: Oh won’t you please?
ANDERSON COOPER: If you think you can get my address by—
JOE BIDEN: Address? What was that thing Washington did at the gutters; no, the burglar—
MIKE PENCE: That’s GETTYSBURG, you idiot!
KAMALA HARRIS: Look, I know THIS IS A DEBATE! but I think we all deserve to hear—
MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?
DONALD TRUMP: Not unless you have some gold paint and…
MISTER ROGERS: Won’t you be my neighbor?
KAMALA HARRIS: “My” neighbor? So you think you own your neighbors and you’re reinforcing the whole master/slave dynamic that…
MISTER ROGERS: Please won’t you be my neighbor?
EVERYONE: YES! OKAY? YES, I’LL BE YOUR FUCKING NEIGHBOR!
MISTER ROGERS: Hello, neighbor!