Fishes in the Deep Blue Sea
You know that song “Joy to the World”? Not the Christmas carol, but the Three Dog Night song?
I like that song, but it provokes mixed feelings:
While it’s playing you love it, and you wish they’d keep playing it for another 20 minutes because it’s so much fun, but when it ends you feel disappointed for about 10 seconds and then you realize if it was one of those self-indulgent eternal jams, like when Led Zeppelin jammed on “Dazed and Confused” in the movie The Song Remains the Same for FORTY-FIVE FREAKING MINUTES, and by the time it was over you decided you never wanted to hear it again as long as you lived, except next time you’re on a road trip and you hit shuffle on your phone and it shows up, you listen to the ENTIRE FREAKING FORTY-FIVE MINUTE CURSED JAM AGAIN and you hate every second of it but somehow you can’t quite bring yourself to skip to the next song, so instead you wait till you see an overpass coming up so you unbuckle your seat belt and floor it and you smash into a concrete bridge piling at 130MPH+, and as you lie broken and bleeding in the twisted, steaming wreckage you smile, because you see the Grim Reaper himself approaching you wearing his black robe and carrying his scythe, and you wonder idly why he carries a scythe instead of riding in a combine or even using a string trimmer, and as he approaches you look forward to his sweet, quiet embrace, but then you suddenly realize even though your car and your body look like giant owl pellets, THE STEREO IS STILL PLAYING, and in abject horror you watch as Death pulls out an iPhone 5s and wiggles his index finger at you in a silent “naughty naughty” and he claps a pair of Beats Solo 3 wireless headphones on you and taps the iPhone, then drops it in the dirt next to you, and meanwhile you’re wondering why Death uses an anachronistic reaping tool like a scythe but also has some spiffy headphones and an iPhone 5s, which was released only 7 years ago, but then you realize you’ll have all eternity to ponder the riddle because the iPhone 5s is playing “Dazed and Confused” from The Song Remains the Same on repeat, but instead of playing the whole song it starts at 9:05 and plays until 13:20, then skips back and starts at 9:05 again, and as every diehard Zeppelin fan knows, Jimmy Page starts mangling a poor innocent cello bow at 9:05 and treats the audience to a ghastly caterwauling shriek of a cello bow/guitar solo so awful and infamous the only way This Is Spinal Tap could spoof it was having Nigel Tufnel play guitar not with a bow, but with a violin, and while he’s screeching around with it he also kicks another guitar on the floor, and you get to enjoy eternity listening to it.
To Jimmy Page’s cello bow/guitar solo, that is.
I hate it when that happens.